Hayley Quinn Talk Notes
Hayley started by talking about the need to have a sense of yourself, to decide on your own values, your beliefs and also what you value in other people. In addition to decide on your own boundaries. You should listen to your gut instinct on boundaries and what behaviour to accept from other people. If you don’t do this then you risk feeling stepped upon, you risk constantly becoming ever moe accommodating towards others, whilst internally growing a frustration, a frustration that gnaws at you from inside.
People will respect you more for having your own opinion and not constantly shifting who you are in order to try and be liked. The simplified example of two people,in an ice cream shop was given. Your friend says chocolate ice-cream is the best. Your favourite is vanilla. If you instantly decide that you like chocolate best because she does then you lose. If you say you like vanilla and then seek to justify that in a over detailed and elaborate way, then you lose. If you say, nah everybody knows vanilla is the best, you win !
I think I can understand what Hayley was saying here and it is massively important to decide on your own values. I used to feel a big internal pressure to always agree with the views of people around me, often failing to acknowledge to myself i was doing this in order to try and fit in. This doesn’t make you liked, you risk looking two faced. I also set some boundaries for members of shy london. For example i don’t accept bullying or gossiping about others. This was tested recently and i had to pick one side and remove somebody from the group. I don’t want to start preaching, your set of values are your own business, but you should know what they are because they define a large part of who you are. If you don’t know who you are then its difficult to fully connect to others. Of course who you are may be changing, thats OK, but you should know who you are at this moment.
You need to make your own decisions and follow them through, rather than always letting somebody else, or circumstances, make those decisions for you. This might be as small scale as deciding where to eat, when you are next out with friends. Or it might be making a major life decision.
People like people who are honest and straight forward. Not people with a constantly shifting opinion. It helps to speak in absolutes. I love it when, I hate it when. Put your own conversational stake in the ground that reflects your current opinion. You are not saying this is your opinion until the end of time, just that its your current thinking. Sound strong and enthusiastic when you speak.
You should learn whats appealing about yourself to others ( and don’t say nothing ! ), to develop a sense of yourself.
People often fail to engage others in conversation because of “quasi psychic abilities”. You look at somebody and decide you know what they are thinking and perhaps what they think of you. Its important to realise that this is a story in your head and what they are actually thinking is likely very different. What you are experience isn’t physic abilities its fear of approach, dressed up as thinking you know their thoughts.
Hayley gave the example of when she was walking in brick lane with a client. They engaged somebody handing out flyers in a short conversation. People handing out flyers are usually very receptive to talking to strangers, its a boring job for one thing. Anyway the flyer person took a step backwards near the start of the chat. This was a sign that they weren’t dully committed to the conversation. This could have been taken as a sign to stop talking but instead the step backwards was mirrored and the conversation developed, with a greater personal space.
Hayley picked Tony out of the front row and demonstrated with him the best way to approach somebody in a bus queue in conversation. You should not open a conversation when approaching from behind, thats likely to be seen as threatening. Its difficult to attract their attention from behind in a non threatening manner. Conversely its also not ideal to approach them head on. The best idea is to mirror them before opening. Stand by the side of them in the queue, facing the same way, if they are fiddling with their phone do the same. Then try chatting.
Hayley mentioned the fact that self esteem and confidence are different things, confidence has the disadvantage of being closely tied to hour environment. Maybe you are super confident at work and great at your job, but go to pieces when out at the pub with those same people.
Hayley then listed some things to do, to improve your self esteem, ( I’ve done all these things myself and they work, though thats not why I did them necessarily ) :
– do good things for other, with no benefit to yourself. I.e. altruism
– make and keep commitments to yourself. Don’t be a flake.
– build a passion project. If you are working perhaps your job is boring. So find what you are passionate about and spend time doing ghat outside of work.
You can also improve the way you are perceived, without changing your standpoint by slightly ( but very powerfully ) changing exactly how you say things. If somebody says something you disagree with dont say YES BUT, say YES AND. Then state your thought. The BUT instantly prepares somebody to be disagreed with, to defend their viewpoint. There are many other powerful language patterns.
We then had a ten minute break, which was much appreciated because of the very hot evening and the chance to cool down outside and have some water to drink.
Ill write up part two in a separate post !